Arts + Non-Fiction
Adulting: The Biggest Scam Ever Created
Granted, there are a few perks to being a grown up versus being a child. Like staying up as late as you like, red wine and rosé consumption, eating dessert before the main meal — but the cons definitely out weigh the pros. When I was a kid, I thought being a grown up meant, no boundaries to where I could go, eat, say, do, or get. That was before I knew about borders, being tired as hell, gaining obscene amounts of weight quickly, having to buy more clothes to accommodate the changes, and somebody that I don’t even know taking a quarter of my pay. Not to mention having to work to get money?
I want to speak to the manager!
“When you get grown, you can do whatever you want to do, but right now you do what I say.” my mom said. She left out a few caveats.
Why didn’t you tell me about light bills, taxes, bosses who don’t give a damn and who only wants to exploit me? I thought this would be a free or all, to live out all of my childhood whims. Oh what I wouldn’t give to be able to fall out on the ground in the middle of the store, do the up-side-down roach and scream for unspecified things. If I did, ole smoky, and maybe a team of people with soothing voices, and sturdy, unfashionable jackets gets called.
Why didn’t anyone tell me about politics, and politicians as cool, and reassuring as a funeral director hitting the max on an insurance policy — while they rape the middle class in my name. Scam! Scam I say!
When I got my first apartment, it had a pantry that was bigger than my clothes closet. I vowed to fill it with all of the snacks I never had, and I did. I rushed to Sam’s club with my shiny new membership where isle after isle begat, chips, pudding cups, that big jar of cheese puffs — you know the one, gold fish, soo many gold fish. The snack that smiled back was the cherry on my gluttonous Sunday. It was not long before I had 320lbs of weight to show for my freedom. The breakdown of my monthly spending on food explained why I had little money left for other things.
No one explained to me that mom was also nutritionist, and accountant along with house manager, bouncer and overall regulator. Everything I did was cute at…